Things to Avoid: Pet Snakes and Girls with Skull Tattoos

BUCK: There’s some things, Clay, maybe I shouldn’t necessarily admit on the radio show with a few million people listening to this, but one weird idea I’ve had, I’ve actually told Carrie, my fiancée, about this, I’ve always thought that there were certain animals that would be really cool to have as a pet. And certain states, Florida, for example, if you get a license, you can have a pet fox if you want.

CLAY: What animal would you think you would like to have as a pet?

BUCK: I think this is weird, and I know this, we’re going deep into nerddom, folks, I think having a pet red fox would be really cool. There are these Instagram accounts with people with their pet foxes.

CLAY: Can you train them to walk like dogs and stuff, or no?

BUCK: I mean, they’re technically wild animals. They’re not really domesticated, but they make cute noises and they’re furry and you can rub them.

CLAY: You can have a pet fox if you want a pet fox?

BUCK: In some states. In New York you can’t even have a pet hedgehog. I’ve looked into this. And hedgehogs are tiny and really inoffensive. What I’m saying is some exotic pets would be cool. A wombat is technically endangered so that’s not going to happen. But if you’ve ever seen a wombat sanctuary, it looks like people are having fun with wombats there. They kind of look like a fat koala.

CLAY: You, by the way, are a good test on this because you’re now engaged. But have you ever dated a girl with a pet snake? It’s a rule.

BUCK: I do not date females with pet snakes. Pet tarantula, even scarier. But I’ve known a couple of women with pet snakes. Everyone needs to be judged as an individual, but I do think it’s a bit of a warning sign. That’s all I’m going to say.

CLAY: It’s a huge red flag. I’ll give you an example of something I saw. I was down in Florida where I spent some decent time. I was in a gym near my place. And this really good-looking girl, probably in her 20s, is in there working out. She has a huge skeleton, like, head tattoo on her back. Like you see her from the front, you’re like, hey, this 24-year-old girl, she’s really good-looking. I’ve never seen a more terrifying tattoo.

On her upper, like, shoulder, is a huge skull. Like just a skull tattoo. I actually am kind of curious why she got it. But that to me is kind of the equivalent of girl who has a snake. Like skull tattoo on the back. I don’t know what’s going on there. But I’m staying away. There is trepidation. There is fear. Even if I were a single guy, good-looking girl, skull tattoo, I’m out. Same thing with a snake.

BUCK: There are snakes and then there are snakes. If you want to have a little pet garter snake or something that you feed crickets to, I don’t get it because I just think that the mammal/reptile barrier, reptiles they’re not our buddies. They’re not bonding with you. You’re either a source of food or are the food. Like there’s not really anything else you’re doing. But when you have a snake that is — and you see these, sometimes they have these shows on Animal Planet, there will be some guy and it will be, “Oh, man, we just got the call. One of these guys who has a spitting cobra, he was doing his laundry and knocked over the spitting cobra cage…”

CLAY: Every snake gets out of its cage. This is my theory. They always gets out.

BUCK: And he’s like, “I’m real scared now because it’s not just very venomous, but it spits the venom in your face from up to 20 feet.” But I thought this was cool. So I got it as a pet. You’re looking at this guy like you’re out of your mind. Clay, in Pennsylvania, this is why we’re talking about this, they had to call cops because the owner of a 15-foot long python, a 15-foot long python.

CLAY: How big is the cage for a 15-, or a tank or whatever, for a 15-foot python?

BUCK: Not big enough. It got out — what a shock — wrapped itself around the owner, and then was, as snakes do, because he’s food to a 15-foot, started to constrict and block his airway and basically slowly asphyxiate him. He calls 911

CLAY: While being choked out by the python?

BUCK: While being choked out by the python. The cops get there, because fortunately it was a slow enough process, they were able to get there. The cop gets there, has to draw his side arm and blow the python’s head off while it is still wrapped around the owner. The owner is apparently okay. But, right, this is crazy.

CLAY: I’m like…

BUCK: If you have a 15-foot snake, I’m going to say, it’s 14 feet too long, everybody.

CLAY: I want to hear from this cop. So did he have to hold the snake’s head?

BUCK: It’s crazy. On Fox 29, “I’ve been doing this job for 19 years. This is the first time I’ve seen a thing like this.”

CLAY: You think?

BUCK: Crap.

CLAY: I’m saying, the cop was, like, well, I can’t fire the gun at the snake because it will go through the snake and kill the guy. So I’m genuinely curious.

BUCK: The middle of it was wrapped around the guy. The head, they talked about this in the local piece on it, the head was separated enough from him. Remember, this snake is killing this guy.

CLAY: I get it, yeah.

BUCK: And the guy had to line it up and blow the snake’s head off while it was still wrapped around and constricting him.

CLAY: What I’m saying, that’s a tough shot, right?

BUCK: He got up close to it because the snake can only — I’ve seen Anaconda. They can usually only take down one at a time. Once it’s got the guy, it’s immobilized. They’re able to line it up. But it’s still scary as all hell, man. This is crazy.

CLAY: I don’t know the answer to this, but how long after you blow the snake’s head off was he able to get the guy out?

BUCK: I think they got it off relatively quickly. I don’t know, though.

CLAY: How would you ever sleep again?

BUCK: By the way, they found this was the man’s pet and there were several other snake enclosures in the home. This dude is crazy, I’ve got to tell you.

CLAY: Totally crazy.

BUCK: Couple things, folks, for the single male listeners of Clay and Buck, if a young lady sits down and says, I hate my dad/I have a 15-foot boa constrictor, either of these things are not a good sign.

CLAY: You agree with the skull tattoo, too? That this would be tough to get over?

BUCK: Dating and tattoo conversation, we have to do a whole conversation on that.

CLAY: There’s a lot of tattoos I’m not terrified of. Skull tattoo? I’m running.