C&B Parody: The Midterm Variant

PSYCHIC: Hi, and welcome to Psychic Sensations.

VOICE: Hi, Fortune Teller Lady. Can you tell me what’s coming after Delta and Omicron?

PSYCHIC: My psychic senses tell me the next variant will arrive in the fall — just before the midterms.

VOICE: So, you mean, like a Midterm Variant?

PSYCHIC: That is my psychic prediction! You’ll be told to, “Follow the science,” again, “Listen to the experts,” again and maybe not vote. Too dangerous!

VOICE: Awe man, does this mean masks and mandates are coming back too?

PSYCHIC: My visions see many masks, especially in certain states. That will be one thousand dollars, please.

VOICE: A grand? Hey! You’re kinda tellin’ me common sense stuff. I could have just tuned in to Clay Travis and Buck Sexton for free.

PSYCHIC: Oh yeah, I download the Clay & Buck podcast every day. Great stuff! You can also Venmo me. Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: You don’t need a psychic to predict the libs. Just listen to Clay Travis and Buck Sexton: Voices of sanity in an insane world.

BUCK: Will there be a midterm variant, so to speak?

CLAY: I would put every dollar I own on midterm variants.

BUCK: So, here’s the thing. Yes. Right? There will be a variant that is out there that is… As we know, covid is very much like the flu, is very much like other things that we’ve come to know that have a seasonality because of rapid mutation. We’ve already… No one even talks about it — we got past Omicron and got to Omicron B.5 or B.4 or something.

CLAY: I can’t keep up with all variants now.

BUCK: B.6.7.niner? I have no idea. But the point is, ’cause no one’s even really paying attention anymore ’cause they realize, “Okay. What are we gonna do about this?” Although I got in the elevator this morning. Double masked in the elevator with me, somebody. At least they can’t yell at me now, though, and feel good about it, although I do like directing them to the office of city public health and that they should register a complaint and that they’ll hear back in about two years.

Clay, here’s the problem, though, that I think the Democrats have with all this. There will be covid. I think there’s gonna be covid going forward, right? This is now an endemic disease within the population. They’re gonna have to play it up for their base in the blue states with, “We’re masking up, we take it seriously!” They’re gonna do the same stuff they always do. But if they want to try to defend any territory at all in the purple states, you know, how does it go?

CLAY: It’s a great question.

BUCK: The base is gonna want full Fauciism. But in the toss-up states, close elections, how do the Democrats play this one? Because, you know, you want to be a mask lunatic if you’re running in California, New Jersey, New York. I don’t think you want to look like a masked lunatic if you’re running in Pennsylvania or in Georgia.

CLAY: Fear of Donald Trump motivates left-wing voters. I don’t know that fear of covid motivates left-wing voters, Buck, because to your point… Now, I don’t think they’re smart enough to recognize this, but to your point, if you’re super covid fearful and you live in a blue state, you’re probably already getting the most aggressive policies that exist. And also it can work against motivating you to be willing to go out to vote.

So, we already know that this should be a red absolute tide, the red wedding — Game of Thrones — of hopes to holding the House and holding the Senate. But I don’t know that they are willing or smart enough to recognize that covid… They should look at what happened in Virginia where I think that was pretty significant. But I don’t know that they’re smart enough to recognize it, and I don’t know if their base will let them recognize it, Buck, ’cause there’s about 30% of Democrats that I think have major mental issues associated with covid.

BUCK: Oh, no, the Democrat base has created a special… you know how they had Trump Derangement Syndrome —

CLAY: Yes.

BUCK: — where there were people for whom, if you said, “You know, I’m pretty sure that Donald Trump assassinated Abraham Lincoln,” they would say yes.

CLAY: Of course he did.

BUCK: Of course he did. Didn’t matter… Anything that you could say that was anti-Trump they were along with, they were completely insane. Trump Derangement Syndrome I think was real and this now I think has been transferred into a Democrat-specifics anxiety disorder from covid. I think the Fauciite mobilization has turned into an anxiety disorder that some adults… I really mean anxiety disorder. They can’t control it; they can’t help it. There are people on my plane, a triple masker on my plane.

CLAY: (laughs)

BUCK: Do you realize how difficult that is to take off your face shield and both masks so you can sip your club soda while looking at savages like me who are unmasked? It’s a lot of work!

CLAY: And I don’t know how those people ever come back to sanity. And I think in many ways the Democrats are held hostage by them. Because they’re going to revolt in a major way if there is any attempt made there to embrace sanity.