C&B Parody: The Compliance Creeper

BUCK: There is the issue of the people out there who want to make sure you keep wearing the mask ’cause, you know, yes, I was told to change my mask on a plane a couple days ago. I really can’t believe that a human being would actually do that at this point, but it happened, and there are people who do this. You gotta be on the lookout. Public service announcement.

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Beware of the Compliance Creeper – that authoritarian type who enforces their will, bit by bit, until they have total control.

ANNOUNCER: The profile: power hungry officials who can’t resist the urge to tell others what to do.

VOICE #1: You better wear that mask, young man!

VOICE #2:  High Schooler: But the data now says…

VOICE #1: Comply!

ANNOUNCER: The target: freedom-loving individuals who value common sense and liberty.

ANNOUNCER: The tactic: using fear and paranoia to force you into doing ridiculous things.

VOICE #3:  Follow those arrows!

VOICE #4: Mask between bites!

VOICE #5: Six feet! Six feet!

ANNOUNCER: And before you know it, you’re standing in a circle in the middle of a park wearing a beekeeper suit. (sfx buzzing)

ANNOUNCER: But like a T-Rex, there are signs the Compliance Creeper is coming… (sfx pound, pound)

ANNOUNCER:  It starts small, like a government program, slowly infringing on your rights… (sfx pound, pound) And then, before you know it, the creeper is on your back and in your business. (sfx T-Rex scream). But there is a way to stand up to the Compliance Creeper. Tune in to Clay Travis and Buck Sexton. Like modern-day ghostbusters, who you gonna call? Compliance Busters, Clay and Buck — heroes to the cause. (uplifting sound). Clay Travis and Buck Sexton: Making sense in an insane world.

BUCK: That’s what we’re here for. You know, Clay, I still see in some places they haven’t gotten rid of them in elevators. I just want to remind everybody that in New York City, you’re constantly in elevators ’cause all the buildings are pretty tall here. You’re in elevators all the time. They had the little “stand here,” “stand here” symbols and they’re still in elevators here in a lot of places.

It’s hard to come up with something dumber. I mean, now that we know what we know about the virus, but also should have known this from the very beginning, it is stupid beyond words. This was a… I wonder how much money was spent painting little feet symbols for where you should stand all across America.

CLAY: I hope that young kids out there who have been overwhelmingly taken advantage of by this absurdity — and, by the way, great job by producer Ali putting together that little segment there, writing and getting it done. Let me just say, I hope that they rebel. Usually, parents understand — and those of you who have been kids rebelling against your parents understand — the trajectory is that the next generation rebels against whatever the prior generation was in favor of.

I hope that there are kids out there that are going — in the years ahead — to mock and ridicule endlessly the stupidity of many of the adults in their lives for the past two years. “Stand here in the elevator,” as if you’re gonna be safer. The “sit inside all of circle” in a park. The fact that there was police tape up around playgrounds, that there were kids on paddleboards in the ocean that were told, “Hey, you can’t be out there!” They filled up skate parks with sand. I mean, there is such an unbelievable litany of insanely dumb decisions that could be mocked and ridiculed to the high heavens.

I hope that it’s going to happen, Buck. I’m cautiously optimistic that it is, because it is such fertile terrain.